Embodied, boundaried, flexible, and firm
I quietly (in a great big ramble) welcome the shadows and give my best effort at steadily retaining some of the warmth from our already missed summer sun.
non-risqué double entendres is a love letter to ambiguity. Bittersweet tensions, open-ended questions, comical happenstance, feelings with spark, brain-blasts that stick, investigations into the grey. I’ll seal and stamp my musings, however messy, and hope they make their way to you safely.
Dearest,
If this makes little sense, maybe it will soon. Take a walk with me?
I keep rewatching Sex And The City and I don’t know what ‘new’ I’m looking for.
I don’t think I’m looking for ‘new,’ actually. I’m obsessed with the re-inspection, the over-and-over, the double-back and reconsider. If you looked at my notes, I’d say it’s been a theme of mine this year.
The first few seasons are charming. Carrie & Co. is clever enough, curious at least. And that does give their faultfull characters quite a generous allowance for fuck-ups and tough takes.
(This is no show review, I’m sure you’re relieved—I can’t pretend to speak eloquently on where or why things devolved…Let’s take that up with HBO…)
In a later episode, Carrie dares to ask: Denial—friend or foe? And at first, I scoffed.
She’s in denial about Samantha’s cancer prognosis and the possibility of her death. She gets in a fight with her boyfriend, who unexpectedly lost a friend to cancer, who encourages Carrie to accept the chance that may be.
She says, “No, I’m sorry. She has to live, I refuse to hear that she might die.”
Or maybe she says, “She can’t die.”
A full refusal of what could be.
What was.
I wanted to call her ridiculous, even though I knew her white-knuckle grip on the ideal outcome was far too familiar. So, even if I’d like my answer to be an easy ‘foe,’ I’ve instead landed on a very complicated ‘foe.’ Because oh, have I been in a haze of my own and am just now seeing through the fog.
Denial-as-comrade offers protection…real or perceived. But its only ‘friend’ merit is that it’s temporary. It says, ‘I’m here for you now—but you must be here for you eventually.’
Waking, feeling, in conflict with it, but honest with yourself.
Thirty years with big pieces of me buried under the weight of denial’s protective powers, and this is not a special experience. Further, being present for yourself takes a lot of external love and encouragement, real friends softly seeing your denial blanket and slowly showing you that there’s more comfort beyond the swaddle.
People who in so many ways say, “There’s more to see deeper in the forest. I’ll follow closely behind.”
How much denial do we entertain, and how do we hold ourselves accountable to our eventual refusal of it?
We let our people in.
Not just anyone, either, the people who meet you with clarity and compassion. You must accept what might be. The ‘how’ is up to you to decide. But take it from someone who’s never felt richer after letting my friends and family show me—what I was denying myself, while entirely challenging, is really what’s worth living for.
I don’t believe we can walk one foot in front of the other entirely untethered to what’s bubbling below the surface. Developing the courage to face fear takes an imagination resilient enough to move beyond present circumstances and the rungs immediately surrounding them.
We’re talking new earthbound galaxy formation, endless outcomes to whatever challenge faced, unearthed right there in our noggins if we let it.
Sounds hard, because it is, as we know any galaxy takes eons to fully form.
Still.
It is energetically possible if we allow it.
I must confess,
I’ve been viewing my personal style through the lens of ‘what characters of my tweens/teens did I want to emulate subconsciously but denied myself the permission to.’ For so many reasons why, I promise I’ll explain at a later date (and don’t give me a hard time on that one—this still counts as a confession).
Alyson Stoner (and her brother) in Cheaper By The Dozen.
Hilary Duff in Lizzie McGuire (what I wouldn’t do for the Christmas episode outfit…).
Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday.
Lindsay Lohan in the Disney Channel Original Movie Get A Clue.
Playful and indulgent are words that come to mind.
Some ‘edge,’ some mystery, some ridiculousness, mostly in the form of textures and colors and shapes and confidence. The outfit equivalent of singing into a hairbrush, pretending to be on Star Search. Something that you’d walk into school wearing that would really make a splash with the people collecting Box Tops.
Somewhere along the way I started writing all of these rules for myself.
No wearing blue and black or brown and black or two baggy things or two tight things together.
Don’t garner too much attention, no mixing metals, show the body but be comfortable, dress like a girl but not too much like a girl, be acceptable but don’t be boring.
If you wear this, it means that. And if you like that, it means this.
Nothing too anything, ultimately.
This past month, I’ve worn a smattering of hot pink mesh and long plaid skirts and I used red lip liner as eyeliner. I wore a big baggy sweater with trousers that absolutely need a hem with a shoe that’s a combo-clog-loafer-sneaker.
And I felt…sure.
Coming from someone who wore a pleather newsboy cap and a gold quilted bomber jacket to see Hilary: I was waiting to emerge again. When the time was right.
Better a smidge later than never.
And if you have any free time on your hands,
Listen to this mailer’s accompanying playlist, NRDE-02. Furthermore, play At Last by Jack J from start to finish.
Order CoCo Vietnamese for lunch (an entree choice is a deeply personal one but the egg rolls and iced coffee are musts).
Read Jeremy’s Patchwork Principles.
Collect the last of the stuck-in-transition foliage around If you still have leaves wherever you are. Press them. Use them as bookmarks.
Watch Ghost. I can’t emphasize enough how much I think this is a primo comfort movie option. Hell—I cried. But you know, this is coming from a Swayze fan.
Get ordained so you can marry your friends.
Mill around Five Elements and attempt to leave without one of the Kurashi no Kaori candles. Now that the sun is setting a solid four hours earlier than the last time we talked, the Adzuki Beans あずき fragrance is keeping our spirits warm and cozy.
Adorn a sesame bagel with za'atar cream cheese and fried green tomatoes for breakfast.
Scroll on Depop until you find a garment or accessory that fills a fix you never allowed yourself to explore way back when.
Lather your skin with my favorite moisturizer of the year. Red or sensitive or itchy, step on down.
Host or help facilitate a cookie exchange with your friends. I’m very much looking forward to the one my studiomates+ are having after the holiday.
What’s a ramble if not the beginning of a brain-blast? I digress. Thanks for joining the walk.
When we talk again, I’ll have more to say about the close of a year butterflying around—looking ahead to the start of a new decade, if I’m lucky enough, of living.
Talk sometime soon,
Bianca
1) you are a visionary
2) besties vegan paradise
3) chewy gingerbread
｡ ₊°༺♡༻°₊ ｡
We must be sharing the same journey! Self delusion is such a slippery slope. I agree so much with things you've shared here about seeing yourself through others...I don't think I could have ever seen myself clearly without meeting the right people :' )
P.s. we should have a writing date <3